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Crash and Burn

I found myself crying quietly while waiting for the next train to take me home earlier. The tears that I thought will never come because this is the nth time that I will be facing this kind of issue again. This unbelievable heartache that I am feeling every now and then that I should have known will never do me good even for an instant. I cried because of him. Jeff incarnate/Hellbound skinhead. Him.

I was surprised at myself for always making time for him eventhough I may not have the time for it. I was busy doing my work deliverables but one ping and two minutes later, I was with him buying McDonalds even if I swore to myself that fastfood is a no-no. Listening to him whenever he feels like it and then never complaining aloud that hje is cold the next minute. I enjoyed being his I want to talk to you while I am smoking but never when I'm busy friend. I was cheered at the thought of him needing meeven if I know I will be pushing myself to the edge of the cliff more and more.

Hours before my crying fest and a BBM to my close now self confessed happy in a relationshjp gay friend, I literally ran to  Robinson's Pioneer's National Bookstore just to get a copy of Chico and Delamar's Top 10. Just because he jokingly told me during lunch over at Canyon Cove while waiting to be served Beef and Chicken Afritada ( see how I remmber the mundane details ) that he wants me to buy him that. I even bought a paper bag to give my Pre VDay present. What led me to let my tears flow was the fact that he doesen't care enough to see me even if I informed him that I will go to his station before I go home. He just oinged a measly hello like I am a total stranger. I just replied with a pathetic " sige later na lang  :) " while my heart cuts itself to pieces.

What is more disturbing is the idiotic way on why I am even expecting anything. That he could like/love me the way I am desperately trying myself not to. I even thought of resigning and just leaving everythine behind to see how he will feel if I am no longer around. Which come to think of it will just make him sad for a day or so and then eventually get over it. He will be busy with his life and eventually forget that there was once a friend who favors him so much. And him untagging himself to our picture together only adds up to the fuel.

I read this in one Twitter message earlier- "Everything happens for a reason. The hard thing is finding out what the reason is." Why am I feeling this way dilemmas and why I am missing him so much everytime only adds up to this predicament.  On why life is unfair. On what will I learn eventually. On why his bf is nice to me. Endless whys.

The funny thing about this is maybe he is really busy that is why he didn't see me earlier. Or maybe its because its a day before the month of hearts and being a Drama Queen is a worldwide trend.


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January 2012
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