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Crash and Burn

I found myself crying quietly while waiting for the next train to take me home earlier. The tears that I thought will never come because this is the nth time that I will be facing this kind of issue again. This unbelievable heartache that I am feeling every now and then that I should have known will never do me good even for an instant. I cried because of him. Jeff incarnate/Hellbound skinhead. Him.

I was surprised at myself for always making time for him eventhough I may not have the time for it. I was busy doing my work deliverables but one ping and two minutes later, I was with him buying McDonalds even if I swore to myself that fastfood is a no-no. Listening to him whenever he feels like it and then never complaining aloud that hje is cold the next minute. I enjoyed being his I want to talk to you while I am smoking but never when I'm busy friend. I was cheered at the thought of him needing meeven if I know I will be pushing myself to the edge of the cliff more and more.

Hours before my crying fest and a BBM to my close now self confessed happy in a relationshjp gay friend, I literally ran to  Robinson's Pioneer's National Bookstore just to get a copy of Chico and Delamar's Top 10. Just because he jokingly told me during lunch over at Canyon Cove while waiting to be served Beef and Chicken Afritada ( see how I remmber the mundane details ) that he wants me to buy him that. I even bought a paper bag to give my Pre VDay present. What led me to let my tears flow was the fact that he doesen't care enough to see me even if I informed him that I will go to his station before I go home. He just oinged a measly hello like I am a total stranger. I just replied with a pathetic " sige later na lang  :) " while my heart cuts itself to pieces.

What is more disturbing is the idiotic way on why I am even expecting anything. That he could like/love me the way I am desperately trying myself not to. I even thought of resigning and just leaving everythine behind to see how he will feel if I am no longer around. Which come to think of it will just make him sad for a day or so and then eventually get over it. He will be busy with his life and eventually forget that there was once a friend who favors him so much. And him untagging himself to our picture together only adds up to the fuel.

I read this in one Twitter message earlier- "Everything happens for a reason. The hard thing is finding out what the reason is." Why am I feeling this way dilemmas and why I am missing him so much everytime only adds up to this predicament.  On why life is unfair. On what will I learn eventually. On why his bf is nice to me. Endless whys.

The funny thing about this is maybe he is really busy that is why he didn't see me earlier. Or maybe its because its a day before the month of hearts and being a Drama Queen is a worldwide trend.

Beard Mode

I've read in the big calendar posted downstairs that Librans are born romantics. That those born under this emotional unstable sign ( no pun intended ) are most likely drawn to the person that they are always with. Or those giving them frequent and what seem like undivided attention. This is even without them knowing if they are only one being treated this way. Or if that someone is really good natured and they are willing to share this with someone. They will be ignoring all the realizations that are mocking them in the face but choose to be delusional instead. They love the word love and all that it has to offer. And yes, I am a Libran.

 I've been having this same kind of feeling all over again. I'm geting in like with someone that I can consider having a future with but won't even think of having one with me. Even for a second. Someone that is so unavailable not because he is in a  relationship. Someone who I know loves me for who Iam  but will only consider me as a friend no matter how great I look or how I long for him. Someone who is gay.

I know that being in love with a closeted gay guy who I even went to Baguio with and made me feel tons of heartaches that I thought then would not end will make me stop and think about this familiar ground. For me not to fall into this stupidity ever again because this will forever be a one sided love affair.  And lots of times being together ( yosi breaks even if I am not a smoker- after yesterday's training was no exception, breakfast even if I'm not eating, visits to his cube and hastening my work to be done so as to go there at the exact time we agreed to just to have brunch even if I can eat at home.

My blog entries will betray that I am really a sucker for being needed. I love it when I'm masking myself as the love guru even if I'm nowhere near in solving my own issues.  I want him to understand that I am just here for him, hear his problems even up to the wee hours of the morning while he smokes endlessly. I will savor  every detail without him knowing that just hear his voice makes me happy. I am pretty sure this is the core explanation on why he likes my company no matter how dysfunctional our relationship is for my part. 

He is not this important to me before when I was head over heels with this guy that is also the face of my emo blog entries. He dominated my life  from January-March, somewhat from April-May, for June its a different story altogether.  It is not the month when we celebrate freedom for nothing right?

 Of course he is unaware of this. He doesen't know how excited I am everytime  I kiss him in the cheeks twice daily. On how special I am feeling whenever he addresses me as babe in FB or thru text.  Double that when he calls me that in public. Every moment seems special. To me.

I was also surprised at myself on how jealous and possesive I can get when it comes to him. It is unbelievable.

It is high time for some diversion. Please.


Going in Circles

Just looking at the calendar this morning made me realized a lot of things. I've been with Accenture for a year and two months already. This helped a lot in paying what needs to be paid. I will be graduating from ADSS in a week's time. I've made lots of new friends in my recent company that I know will happen eventually but many are holding a special spot in my heart. And of course, I've fallen in love. Yet again. Or just crushing. Whatever.. And still, just like those friends I mentioned, someone is determined to stay longer than the others.

I've had several justifications on why this keeps on happening even after seven months of going in circles:

- If you're in your late twenties and a single one at that, any special gestures like accompanying you home will stick to you. Especially if he is the first person to do it.

-If someone greets you good morning through chat and then stops doing it and then all of a sudden returns, there must be something right?

-If he seems shy whenever you meet him in the hallway, he must have felt something right?

Despite these reasons, I know for a fact that what happened stopped. I may tend to color it magnificently with pleasant hues but I am certain that it is over. What I experienced before might linger longer than him ( if he indeed felt it as well) but it doesen't necessarily mean that he should be in the same state as I am right now.  He might think that I may be the best before but I don't have the power to make him realized that now.

There came a point that I thought I found someone to help me get out of this place but that too didn't turn out the way I hoped it will be.

I am vowing that this is the last time. I know that I am getting there.


Biglaan Monologues

Alam mo yung mga moments na iniisip mo na sana hindi na lang nangyari ang lahat. Sana mauulit mo yung mga buwan, mga linggo, mga araw at minutong wala naman palang pinatunguhan sa huli. Yung mga panahon na sana nasense mo na nuong una masasaktan ka lang sa ending. Kaso malabong mangyari yun.Wala sa hinuha mo na ganun ang magaganap pero sinampal ka na lang ng pagkakataon.
Kumbaga sa pelikula, hindi pa nagkakabati yung dalawang bida tinapos na. Kumbaga sa kanta, wala pang chorus itinigil na. Kumbaga sa kuwento, kailangan nang umalis ng tropa mo kasi tapos na break niya kaya hindi mo nalaman kung anong nangyari sa kuwento niya .Walang katapusang pagtatanong kung saan ka nagkamali. Kung bakit ka naiwan sa ere. Pero walang ganun sa script ng buhay.

Kung alam niya siguro na siya lang ang bukod tanging lalaking naghatid sa akin sa bahay na ikinatuwa at ikinakilig ng pamilya ko gagawin niya kaya ito? Kung alam lang niya siguro na hindi ako basta basta sumasama sa kung kani kanino sa Quiapo para mamili ng DVDs na alam ko namang aalikabukin lang sa paper bags kasi ang dami ko pang hindi napapanood kahit agnas na ako magdadalawang isip kaya siya sa mga pinopost sa Facebook? Kung alam lang niya na hanggang kabilang dulo ng mundo yung pagkakilig ko nung hinawakan niya yung hita ko kasi prinoteksyunan niya ako sa nagpupunas ng sapatos sa Recto makukuha kya niyang umastang parang wala siyang nagawa? Kung alam lang niya na hindi talaga ako nagbrebreak sa office at naglalaan talaga ako ng oras kapag nagpiping siya para lang makaramdam ng labinlimang minutong kaligayahan araw araw makukuha pa kaya niya pumunta sa station ko para bumati ng hi? Kung alam lang niya tinago ko pa ang lalagyan ng Mogu Mogu na ininuman namin pareho at malaman na hindi naman ako umiinom ng Mogu Mogu at Magnolia Lifedrink bago nagsimula ang phase namin matitignan pa kaya niya ako sa mata? Kung alam lang niya na nagpapakawitty ako sa mga chat conversations namin para matuwa siya sa akin at marealized niya na pang 10 Day SL ang rating ko magagawa kaya niyang magpost ng declaration of love sa Facebook para sa ibang tao? Kung alam lang niya na sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos kailangan kong magpaka Ninja Mode para maibsan ang nararamdaman kong sakit makukuha pa kaya niyang kausapin ako at batiin ng Happy Edsa Day nung February 14? Kung alam lang niyang binibilang ko na ang mga minutong makita ko siya ulit bago ko nalaman ang masaklap na katotohanan makukuha pa kaya niyang magbigay ng bouquet sa ibang tao?

Ang dami kong narinig pagkatapos. Ako lang daw umasa. Wala daw siyang kasalanan.He is so not worth it daw. I deserved someone better cliche.Maganda daw ako. Pati ang buong pamilya ko naging mga tagapayo. Pero di maibsan ang sakit ng tinarak niyang kutsilyo. Bullseye ang ugat ko sa puso.

Well wala namang ibang magagawa kung hindi mag moved on.Kahit kahit isang tuldok ayaw mong umalis sa kinakatayuan ko. Bigla ka na lang nademote bilang special to ordinaryong kaibigan in a span of a few days. Out of nowhere yung akala mong uupuan mong puwesto biglang may nakapwesto na pala. Yung iniisip mong pagsisimba tuwing Linggo ay wala pala sa hinagap niyang mangyari. Nagkaroon pala ng process of elimination tapos luhaan kang uuwi ng hindi mo nalalaman na may naganap pa lang contest e hindi ka naman sumasali. Sana sinampal na lang niya ako nakaya ko pa siguro.

Eto lang ang consolation. At least napracticed ko ulit ang writing skills ko.


One Time Big Time

Ikaw na ang naaalala ko
Kapag nakakakita ng DVDs sa Quiapo
Nang mga Koreanovelang nagpapakilig ng todo
At ang mga pelikula ni Robin Padilla na palaging ubos sa mga puwesto.

Ikaw na ang maaalala ko
Kapag nagdadasal nang paluhod
Habang mataimtim na nagbabakasakaling baka dinggin
Na sana ikaw na ang hinihintay ko.

Ikaw na ang maaalala ko
Kapag nakatigil ako't minamasdan ang dumadaang tren
Ang sirena nitong kung normal na araw ay walang halaga,
Pero parang tugtog ng anghel nuong ikaw ang kasama.

Ikaw na ang maaalala ko
Kapag may mga batang naka uniporme't pauwi
Sa kanilang mga bahay matapos ang mga aralin
At ang ngiti mong hindi ko na kayang sa isip ay alisin.

Ikaw na ang maaalala ko
Kapag may batang nagpupunas ng sapatos ko
Habang nakasakay sa dyip na pampasahero
At ang kamay mo habang prinoproteksyunan ako.

Ikaw na ang maaalala ko
Kapag binabagtas ang Espana
At nakakarinig ng balita tungkol sa Meralco
At si MVP na abot langit ang yamang salo

Ikaw na ang maaalala ko
Kapag nagpapaka makata
At mabilisang nakakagawa ng tula
Para tuluyan ka nang hindi maalala.


Birthday Blues

I am experiencing the mother of all birthday blues now.

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I know that most if not all people are feeling out of sorts once a year like this but I've never imagined that I will be doubling the tumble of emotions days before my 26th birthday. It seems too immature and a certified waste of time. But I found myself in the dumps even after last night's party ended. The office party that I helped organized was successful as per those who attended. Their comments should have been sufficient enough to lift me from my supposed to be yearly doldrums but to no avail.

Just like one of my earlier blog entries, I am stating reasons for this melodrama:

1. Single Blessedness Much. Not. - I've got to admit that I made this my first entry because it affected me way too much this past year. I've been blundered by too many episodes of He's Just Not That Into You moments, hilarious and heartbreaking this-guy-is-gay-oh-what-a-tragedy issues and the many questions on why I am still single even if there seems to be no reason at all on why I would be of such. This was triggered by an incident that happened last night. I am crushing on a certain guy and my friends are aware of it. They set up a situation so that we can talk. It turned out to be an uncomfortable situation for him which ended in him saying he will go home twice and getting my number to just say take care in going home and good night. He should just have kicked me in the face. I am pissed because I know that I am so not in the position to expect anything. I even got Crush by Jennifer Paige playing in my brain the whole time we are together but I felt so humiliated. It felt like I pushed myself too far even if I was not the one who initiated that encounter but my friends and being the nice guy that he is, he can't bear the thought of leaving without apologizing. I found myself questioning events yet again. It is true that I knew where I should be placing myself in this and it is not my life's goal to use my position to make him like me back. It is just that I don't deserve it. Not at all. This whole singleness is getting too thin and I need a diversion sooner than later.

2. Career Abroad- I've had several entries in which I gave detailed explanations on what happened during my Singapore stint. It was a year and a month ago when I was forced to go back to Manila and start from scratch. Which led me to sell my house in Cavite, pay loans that I got because of my dreams of making it big outside of the Philippines that I am paying until now among other things. I remembered what my good friend Ehmcee said before we started our work in SG. You will always have this feeling of wanting to work overseas if you experienced working once outside. Which is what i am feeling right now. My friend Anne who is a former TL in my current company is now in London. She said she hopes that there'll be better plans for us.

3. Loans, Loans, Loans- Just like I stated in point number two, I have loans that I am grudgingly paying until now which eats up  a good chunk of my pay every cutoff. I am now penniless days before my birthday because of this. Which made me say bye bye to a great birthday celebration. Sigh. :(

I know that with prayers and a little more faith will put me through this. This is me hoping for a great day.


Been There. Done That.

 I know that I've been a certified Gay Magnet since time immemorial. This I sealed with a kiss and imprinted myself yet again with an imaginary ink last night.  They love, or so it seems, my conversation style (on how I talk about things I value like reading and writing), on how I tend to listen on whatever they want to tell me for hours, on how I exude a charisma so enticing that I am sending friendly signals everywhere. In short, I am an approachable person even if I don't look like it in the first place. I love being friends with them because they live such colorful and oftentimes envious lifestyles ( that is to some extent if you will see my good friend Imer). Its just that I am finding myself back to the same place I've been in before and then analyzing that I am doing the same mistakes that I've learned to forget. Maybe I am like this ( just to add justification on the matter) because we share the same interests every single time. We love reading and rummaging through towers of books in booksales, love the Harry Potter series and wants to visit the infamous Universal Studioesque Harry Potter place in Florida. On how he has strong ideals in his chosen profession. And there I was. Keeping up with his intelligence while I am being dumbfounded every second inside. This went on for about an hour. It didn't help that he is already in a relationship.With a guy.

I am somewhat laughing at myself for being in the same situation all over again. On why I am so drawn to their charms even if the reason that they are so comfortable with me is because I can understand them. Or they want to be me just like what Jessica Zafra stated in her previous article when she was faced in the same situation. Maybe the Universe is playing tricks with me. Or I still have lessons to learn. Or to put it simply, it is high time that I get my preferences a good turnaround and give chance to those who value me more.

Come what may. For the meantime, I'll just check my unread books, have a Koreanovela fest and find solace in the thought that better days are coming.


Crash and Burn


It is funny how
Some things happen
That made me think
About you
Sarah Geronimo's smiles
In her latest Jollibee commercials
Books I saw in the nearby
Secondhand shop
With titles like Chicken Soup
for the American Idol Soul
About A Boy by Nick Hornby
Jordin Spark's new music
video for the song
Even old
Cosmopolitan articles
And you checking my
Online profile
Giving me the old familiar


Comfortably Unwell

Just to set the record straight. This entry is written a few weeks later than intended.

I've been feeling out of sorts for some time now without even realizing that I've become comfortable with it. I've been going to work fully aware of my mundane existence without resenting the act because I've resigned in trying to think of ways on how to liven up my days. I've become accustomed to my sleep/internet/get ready for work/sleep kind of routine everyday because it is better than being unemployed. I work because I am being compensated to do it. I  have pseudo crushes now and then because I try to add meaning to my so called quarterlife only to find myself dissapointed in the end. With the guy or with myself or both, that I am really unsure. I know this might sound negative or downright numb to anyone. I am also unsure if this brand new attitude is healthy or not.

I am just rather surprised because I am still longing to turn back time even if it will never happen. Not in a million years. On how some pictures make me resent the way things are planned from the very beginning. On why I need to be here right now even if God knows that I was genuinely happy there.  God knows I'm trying my best to live my life one day at a time and hundreds of Koreanovelas or K Pop videos won't  give me the happiness I am longing for.

My agent said that he will introduce me to his Korean friend. It is funny on how everyone is trying to set me up nowadays. So be it. Who knows what will happen right? It might be a great and different entry altogether. What the F. Here I am again. Trying to find ways. Haha.

Or maybe I'm just down right now because its that time of the month. These are my hormones talking. Not me. Whatever.


Personal Taste


      Well, since my days won't be complete without watching at least an episode of any Korean series I've tagged as interesting ( even on days that I'm so sleep deprived thank you very much), this review is dedicated to the latest drama that I'm crazy about. 

     Personal Taste is the follow up project of Lee Min Ho, the ever popular Gu Jun Pyo in last year's Korean version of Boys Over Flowers. I am satisfied because contrary to popular speculations that he will be typecast as the tough looking but soft hearted Shinwha heir, he really delivered in his current drama. That I can say after watching two episodes. He plays Jeon Ji Ho ( taken from my favorite site
www.dramabeans.com,)an architect who who passes himself off as gay. His hobbies (?) include organization and ironing, and he’s known for his stoic poker face. He’s a stickler for cleanliness, but he also has a talent for figuring out women’s feelings. Right now, he is 23 years old but he is playing an older and professional guy. He proved that he is more than his Jun Pyo character and he justified the reason for his cult following.Me included. :)


     The female lead is played by Sohn Ye-Jin, a 28 year old actress who has top billed movies like The Classic ( a tearjerker but great movie) and Korean dramas like Alone in Love and Summer Scent. Some forums criticized her acting in this series mainly because of her appearance. That she didn't fit in any way with Lee Min Ho whatsoever but I strongly disagree. Her character is a plain, distraught, messy and oftentimes foolish Park Kae In. She is the daughter of an architect and resides in a house that Ji Ho's company is interested in. She played glamorous roles before but changing her outlook this time around is no big deal. She has nice acting prowess and her comedic side is one hell of a train ride.

    As stated before, the story will be evolving in the house that her father designed. Lee Min Ho's character wants to win a deal with a company ( who is so fascinated with the design of In hae's house)and in order to do so, he needs to go into the extremes and check the house. He rented a room in her place with her assuming that he is GAY!  By this premise, you can expect lots of riot gay scenarios ( that Korean dramas are not really famous for so it will be a refreshing sight), comedic perfomances and dialogues plus occasional heartaches. So far I love the way the main characters' chemistry enfolds, the uniqueness of the other casts, the production designer's take on the scenarios, the director's playful but deliberate attack on notable scenes and the lovely choice of soundtracks.

 Here are some promotional pictures from the drama:



Can't wait for the next episode!